Bowled Over

Computer visionary John Diebold passed away at age 79.

But he died bold.

Whaling Wall

Japan is cheating again, trying to kill whales for food, and Greenpeace is stepping in to try and stop this violation.

Call me a sentimentalist, but I'm blubbering right along with them.

Try, Try Again

Headline: Afghans Try Former Communist Intelligence Chief.

Hate to see those ex-Commies working, but hey, the Afghanis in a bad spot and you can't blame them for trying him out.

Cheesy Gifts

Wisconsin families send cheese as holiday gifts.

"Well, Em and me was gonna send photos of the kids, but the fotog said 'Say cheese', and Em and me agreed that was a good idea."

Rabid Air

Satellite TV is popular in Iran despite being banned.

Yeah, but those antennas are pokey under the turbans.

Too Much Rose-of-Sharon

Ariel Sharon has been ordered by his doctors to go on a diet.

It's just that as a General he hates to lose.

Get Out The Bushes

Apparently, Al Qaeda has been plotting to assassinate President Bush, preferably in the White House.

These people are dangerous: first they tried with the pretzel, and now this....

Lookin' For It

The wife of Congressman John Conyers shouted epithets at, then slugged, a woman in a bar after Mrs. C (25 years younger than Mr. C) made a move on the woman's boyfriend.

I guess a pickup gone wrong becomes a putdown.

Get Your Pause Off Me

Hot News Flash: First Study Of Menopause Among Gorillas.

That's a relief. Wouldn't want them aping prior studies.

Moral Turpitude Claus

Bad Santas, often drunk and crooked, are giving police a lot of trouble worldwide.

They think it's better to give than to receive.

Hands-On Governance

Lieutenant Governor Diane Denish of New Mexico complains that Governor Richardson is grabby.

Finally, a leader who is not out of touch.

Jailhouse Rap

A shocking revelation: Eminem used to torture prisoners in Afghanistan.

I shudder to think: if they gave me one M&M and then withheld the rest, I would sing like a canary. Especially with peanuts.

Armstrong Strong-Armed

Dallas Mavericks (basketball) player Darrell Armstrong was fined $1,000 for congratulating the Washington Redskins on beating the Dallas Cowboys (football).

As Groucho would say, it's just a matter of Dallas and sense - or lack thereof.

DNA Whatcha Talkin' About

Apparently the Korean scientist who supposedly cloned stem cells was full of baloney.

It started as a teeny germ of an idea and then it just took on a life of its own.

Clean and Sobering

Sub-head of the story about the kid who paid a homeless man $5 to drink cleaning solution: Man Critical After Drinking...

Bravo for him: I think he has every right to be critical.

Party Disfavors

Rush Limbaugh says that the Democratic Party is turning into a Fifth Column in this country.

I know. I wrote four columns about the situation.

Don't Cellar Short

A naked man found hiding in a Spokane basement was arrested for burglary.

Sounds bipolar; I hope they confiscated his belt when he was booked.

Narnia Broke The Bank

Brokeback Mountain made only a half-mil this weekend as a gay movie while Narnia with religious overtones made 67 mil.

So much for our decadent society; also, cashing a 67 million dollar check is definitely a religious experience.

Having Fitz

That prosecutor, Fitzgerald, is questioning more reporters about how and when they got information.

For Sale: Old copy of Constitution, starts from Second Amendment.

Clinton Flat Tired

Clinton says that Bush is "flat wrong" about Kyoto; it would strengthen the economy.

Considering that the Senate voted 99-0 against Kyoto, this should make Clinton honorary president of the Flat Earth Society.

Pony Express Delivering Male

The gay cowboy movie, Brokeback Mountain, is opening and hoping for a mainstream audience.

He'll be comin' round the mountain when he comes...

Adding Beans To Your Savings

Apparently, you can become much wealthier by giving up those pricey coffees.

A latte good it'll do ya...

Fuzzy Fuzz

In the end, New Orleans has fired only 60 cops over the Katrina debacle.

Aah, it's just a slap on the wrist, not a cuff on the hand.

Iran, But I Could Not Hide

Mohamed ElBaradei says that the world is losing patience with Iran.

Yep, there are always rifts in the nuclear family around holiday season.

Vergin' On Spacin' Out

Richard Branson is revving up a company to do space tourism flights.

There's nothing to fear but, at most, fear itself.

In Flew the Answer

A study shows that a flu pandemic would damage the economy.

Had the study shown that it would help the economy big-time, what would they have recommended?

Ritz Crackdown

Apparently, posh Paris hotels have been colluding on setting prices from $550-$1000 a night.

If we're broke, they must be fixin' it.

Lennon's Low Marks

The FBI is still fighting to hang on to 10 pages of John Lennon's file.

They think he's a dangerous subversive leading an underground movement.

Bullets, not Ballots

Six dead, hundreds wounded in Egypt on Election Day.

Six guys named Chad tried to vote for the opposition; now they're hanging Chads.

Rice: Peal of Laughter?

Germans are angry at Chancellor Merkel for mishandling her meeting with Condoleezza Rice.

The honeymoon is over but they keep throwing Rice at her.

Arnold: Iron or Old?

Governor Schwarzenegger was hospitalized briefly last night with an irregular heartbeat.

Even pumping iron cannot give you an iron pump.

Meat The Press

Saddam played hooky today, missing all the testimony about prisoners fed into the sausage machine.

Some days it's just too grueling to face the grind.

The Better Part Of Valerie

Valerie Bertinelli has announced that she has initiated divorce proceedings against her husband of 24 years, Eddie Van Halen.

Her marriage was on the rocks so she decided it was time for her to act.

Rope-A-Dope(s)

Some folks are claiming that Mexico's elite anti-drug force is corrupt.

I hate cynics. Next they'll be saying that pro wrestling is rigged.

West Goes South

Mayor West of Spokane has been recalled from office for hiring staff by cruising gay chat rooms on the Internet.

And here I thought that all his aides seemed so well-appointed.

Due At Idle Wild: Car 54, Where Are You?

Headline: Police Academy in Baghdad bombed, killing 43.

I told them not to film Police Academy VIII in Baghdad, but did they listen?

Torture Singer

A German man sued the U.S., alleging torture.

Now, come on, Schultz, all Hogan asked you to do was touch your toes.

Iran Into An Obstacle

A plane in Iran crashed into an apartment building, killing 128.

Damn, those rehearsals for Sept. 11, 2006, are expensive.

Sad Damning

Saddam to court: "Go to Hell."

Court to Saddam: "After you."

Those Rabia Shots Hurt

Hamza Rabia, #3 man in al Qaeda, has been dispatched netherward by a mysterious guided missile that left a huge mess on his Pakistani neighbor's lawn.

Yuck, that #3 is always the hardest to clean.

Mr. and Mrs. Myth

Brad Pitt has applied to be the adoptive father of inamorata Angelina Jolie's two adopted kids, Maddox and Zahara.

...but if he runs out of A.J., would he desert Zahara?

A Spotless Record

Tom Delay continues to stand accused of money laundering.

Well, he came to town promising to clean up Washington.

Hull Unearthed

Scientists now say that the Titanic may have sank faster than previously thought.

Yeah, but those anti-Semites still blame the whole deal on Eisberg.

I Can Hear A Rolling-Pin Drop

A new study shows that marital squabbles can be hazardous to your health.

When will the States pick up on this and sue the clergy for all that Medicaid money?

Dean Of Admissions

Howard Dean says that, based on history, our primary objective in Iraq should be retreat.

He should know. The objective of his primary effort, based on hysteria, was retreat.

May My Right Wing Lose Its Cunning

(My comment on the Randall Cunningham bribery case:)

To be a successful politician one must be a cunning ham.

Poor Randall. Not cunning enough. Too much of a ham.

Rock Around The Clark

Still pondering if Saddam should receive the death penalty.

But this one is clear: I'm all for capital punishment for Ramsay Clark.