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Felon Love With Politics

2008-10-12T20:39:00.000-07:00

An important investigation by the Sun-Sentinel has discovered 30,000 felons illegally registered to vote in Florida.

At least they have the courage of their convictions.

Losing a Pound

2006-02-15T17:29:00.000-08:00

The mother's child is 5 pounds, 8 ounces, and the daughter's child is 3 pounds; that pound and a half is a big difference, says the daughter.

Who said women aren't good at math?

Round From a Turban

2006-01-30T13:08:00.000-08:00

Al-Zawahiri released a new video calling President Bush a butcher.

He, on the other hand, is "a uniter, not a divider".

Hits Just Keep On Coming

2006-01-30T13:05:00.000-08:00

The dominatrix was acquitted of killing her client by plying her trade too enthusiastically.

She's smart as a whip, that girl.

Acid Rocker

2006-01-10T23:33:00.000-08:00

The inventor (and frequent consumer) of LSD, chemist Albert Hofmann, turned 100 in Switzerland.

Life's a trip.

Up the Dow Staircase

2006-01-09T15:04:00.000-08:00

The Dow closed above 11,000 for the first time since Spet. 11, actually closing at 11,011.

Yeah, so I stupidly bet 1100 on the 11th horse in the 11th race... and it came in 11th.

Alito Wisdom

2006-01-09T15:01:00.000-08:00

Judge Alito began his Senate confirmation hearings for the Supreme Court by saying that a good judge has no agenda.

"You understand, fellas, just like you don't have a brain I'm not allowed to have a heart."

Bowled Over

2005-12-27T23:01:00.000-08:00

Computer visionary John Diebold passed away at age 79.

But he died bold.

Whaling Wall

2005-12-26T14:16:00.000-08:00

Japan is cheating again, trying to kill whales for food, and Greenpeace is stepping in to try and stop this violation.

Call me a sentimentalist, but I'm blubbering right along with them.

Try, Try Again

2005-12-26T14:13:00.000-08:00

Headline: Afghans Try Former Communist Intelligence Chief.

Hate to see those ex-Commies working, but hey, the Afghanis in a bad spot and you can't blame them for trying him out.

Cheesy Gifts

2005-12-26T14:08:00.000-08:00

Wisconsin families send cheese as holiday gifts.

"Well, Em and me was gonna send photos of the kids, but the fotog said 'Say cheese', and Em and me agreed that was a good idea."

Rabid Air

2005-12-26T14:06:00.000-08:00

Satellite TV is popular in Iran despite being banned.

Yeah, but those antennas are pokey under the turbans.

Too Much Rose-of-Sharon

2005-12-25T12:05:00.000-08:00

Ariel Sharon has been ordered by his doctors to go on a diet.

It's just that as a General he hates to lose.

Get Out The Bushes

2005-12-24T22:47:00.000-08:00

Apparently, Al Qaeda has been plotting to assassinate President Bush, preferably in the White House.

These people are dangerous: first they tried with the pretzel, and now this....

Lookin' For It

2005-12-24T22:37:00.000-08:00

The wife of Congressman John Conyers shouted epithets at, then slugged, a woman in a bar after Mrs. C (25 years younger than Mr. C) made a move on the woman's boyfriend.

I guess a pickup gone wrong becomes a putdown.

Get Your Pause Off Me

2005-12-21T21:13:00.000-08:00

Hot News Flash: First Study Of Menopause Among Gorillas.

That's a relief. Wouldn't want them aping prior studies.

Moral Turpitude Claus

2005-12-20T20:09:00.000-08:00

Bad Santas, often drunk and crooked, are giving police a lot of trouble worldwide.

They think it's better to give than to receive.

Hands-On Governance

2005-12-20T20:06:00.000-08:00

Lieutenant Governor Diane Denish of New Mexico complains that Governor Richardson is grabby.

Finally, a leader who is not out of touch.

Jailhouse Rap

2005-12-19T17:56:00.000-08:00

A shocking revelation: Eminem used to torture prisoners in Afghanistan.

I shudder to think: if they gave me one M&M and then withheld the rest, I would sing like a canary. Especially with peanuts.

Armstrong Strong-Armed

2005-12-19T07:15:00.000-08:00

Dallas Mavericks (basketball) player Darrell Armstrong was fined $1,000 for congratulating the Washington Redskins on beating the Dallas Cowboys (football).

As Groucho would say, it's just a matter of Dallas and sense - or lack thereof.

DNA Whatcha Talkin' About

2005-12-18T23:22:00.000-08:00

Apparently the Korean scientist who supposedly cloned stem cells was full of baloney.

It started as a teeny germ of an idea and then it just took on a life of its own.

Clean and Sobering

2005-12-18T00:01:00.000-08:00

Sub-head of the story about the kid who paid a homeless man $5 to drink cleaning solution: Man Critical After Drinking...

Bravo for him: I think he has every right to be critical.

Party Disfavors

2005-12-16T09:10:00.000-08:00

Rush Limbaugh says that the Democratic Party is turning into a Fifth Column in this country.

I know. I wrote four columns about the situation.

Don't Cellar Short

2005-12-16T09:03:00.000-08:00

A naked man found hiding in a Spokane basement was arrested for burglary.

Sounds bipolar; I hope they confiscated his belt when he was booked.

Narnia Broke The Bank

2005-12-11T13:30:00.000-08:00

Brokeback Mountain made only a half-mil this weekend as a gay movie while Narnia with religious overtones made 67 mil.

So much for our decadent society; also, cashing a 67 million dollar check is definitely a religious experience.

Having Fitz

2005-12-11T13:21:00.000-08:00

That prosecutor, Fitzgerald, is questioning more reporters about how and when they got information.

For Sale: Old copy of Constitution, starts from Second Amendment.

Clinton Flat Tired

2005-12-09T13:15:00.000-08:00

Clinton says that Bush is "flat wrong" about Kyoto; it would strengthen the economy.

Considering that the Senate voted 99-0 against Kyoto, this should make Clinton honorary president of the Flat Earth Society.

Pony Express Delivering Male

2005-12-09T07:12:00.000-08:00

The gay cowboy movie, Brokeback Mountain, is opening and hoping for a mainstream audience.

He'll be comin' round the mountain when he comes...

Adding Beans To Your Savings

2005-12-09T07:07:00.000-08:00

Apparently, you can become much wealthier by giving up those pricey coffees.

A latte good it'll do ya...

Fuzzy Fuzz

2005-12-09T07:02:00.000-08:00

In the end, New Orleans has fired only 60 cops over the Katrina debacle.

Aah, it's just a slap on the wrist, not a cuff on the hand.

Iran, But I Could Not Hide

2005-12-09T06:55:00.000-08:00

Mohamed ElBaradei says that the world is losing patience with Iran.

Yep, there are always rifts in the nuclear family around holiday season.

Vergin' On Spacin' Out

2005-12-08T23:37:00.000-08:00

Richard Branson is revving up a company to do space tourism flights.

There's nothing to fear but, at most, fear itself.

In Flew the Answer

2005-12-08T23:34:00.000-08:00

A study shows that a flu pandemic would damage the economy.

Had the study shown that it would help the economy big-time, what would they have recommended?

Ritz Crackdown

2005-12-07T16:55:00.001-08:00

Apparently, posh Paris hotels have been colluding on setting prices from $550-$1000 a night.

If we're broke, they must be fixin' it.

Lennon's Low Marks

2005-12-07T16:55:00.000-08:00

The FBI is still fighting to hang on to 10 pages of John Lennon's file.

They think he's a dangerous subversive leading an underground movement.

Bullets, not Ballots

2005-12-07T12:51:00.000-08:00

Six dead, hundreds wounded in Egypt on Election Day.

Six guys named Chad tried to vote for the opposition; now they're hanging Chads.

Rice: Peal of Laughter?

2005-12-07T12:41:00.000-08:00

Germans are angry at Chancellor Merkel for mishandling her meeting with Condoleezza Rice.

The honeymoon is over but they keep throwing Rice at her.

Arnold: Iron or Old?

2005-12-07T10:59:00.000-08:00

Governor Schwarzenegger was hospitalized briefly last night with an irregular heartbeat.

Even pumping iron cannot give you an iron pump.

Meat The Press

2005-12-07T10:55:00.000-08:00

Saddam played hooky today, missing all the testimony about prisoners fed into the sausage machine.

Some days it's just too grueling to face the grind.

The Better Part Of Valerie

2005-12-06T23:54:00.000-08:00

Valerie Bertinelli has announced that she has initiated divorce proceedings against her husband of 24 years, Eddie Van Halen.

Her marriage was on the rocks so she decided it was time for her to act.

Rope-A-Dope(s)

2005-12-06T23:33:00.000-08:00

Some folks are claiming that Mexico's elite anti-drug force is corrupt.

I hate cynics. Next they'll be saying that pro wrestling is rigged.

West Goes South

2005-12-06T23:21:00.000-08:00

Mayor West of Spokane has been recalled from office for hiring staff by cruising gay chat rooms on the Internet.

And here I thought that all his aides seemed so well-appointed.

Due At Idle Wild: Car 54, Where Are You?

2005-12-06T12:34:00.000-08:00

Headline: Police Academy in Baghdad bombed, killing 43.

I told them not to film Police Academy VIII in Baghdad, but did they listen?

Torture Singer

2005-12-06T12:31:00.000-08:00

A German man sued the U.S., alleging torture.

Now, come on, Schultz, all Hogan asked you to do was touch your toes.

Iran Into An Obstacle

2005-12-06T12:23:00.000-08:00

A plane in Iran crashed into an apartment building, killing 128.

Damn, those rehearsals for Sept. 11, 2006, are expensive.

Sad Damning

2005-12-06T12:19:00.000-08:00

Saddam to court: "Go to Hell."

Court to Saddam: "After you."

Those Rabia Shots Hurt

2005-12-05T22:57:00.000-08:00

Hamza Rabia, #3 man in al Qaeda, has been dispatched netherward by a mysterious guided missile that left a huge mess on his Pakistani neighbor's lawn.

Yuck, that #3 is always the hardest to clean.

Mr. and Mrs. Myth

2005-12-05T22:45:00.000-08:00

Brad Pitt has applied to be the adoptive father of inamorata Angelina Jolie's two adopted kids, Maddox and Zahara.

...but if he runs out of A.J., would he desert Zahara?

A Spotless Record

2005-12-05T22:38:00.000-08:00

Tom Delay continues to stand accused of money laundering.

Well, he came to town promising to clean up Washington.

Hull Unearthed

2005-12-05T21:16:00.000-08:00

Scientists now say that the Titanic may have sank faster than previously thought.

Yeah, but those anti-Semites still blame the whole deal on Eisberg.

I Can Hear A Rolling-Pin Drop

2005-12-05T21:03:00.000-08:00

A new study shows that marital squabbles can be hazardous to your health.

When will the States pick up on this and sue the clergy for all that Medicaid money?

Dean Of Admissions

2005-12-05T20:47:00.000-08:00

Howard Dean says that, based on history, our primary objective in Iraq should be retreat.

He should know. The objective of his primary effort, based on hysteria, was retreat.

May My Right Wing Lose Its Cunning

2005-12-05T20:39:00.000-08:00

(My comment on the Randall Cunningham bribery case:)

To be a successful politician one must be a cunning ham.

Poor Randall. Not cunning enough. Too much of a ham.

Rock Around The Clark

2005-12-05T20:37:00.000-08:00

Still pondering if Saddam should receive the death penalty.

But this one is clear: I'm all for capital punishment for Ramsay Clark.